I miss home.
I have been moving forward non-stop since September. Work. Grad School. Sweetmoon. Parenting. It has been weekends staying up late to catch up and weeknights sitting on the couch, lights on low, trying to read and analyze while worrying about my kid’s cough, or how the next bill will be paid, or if what I am trying to do is relevant. I didn’t realize how much stress I was carrying until it all crashed down on me last week.
It was a bright orange boot on my vehicle, forcing me to stand still. Forcing me to stop and wait. Forcing me to quit. And I legit just sat down in the mushy snow, and cried. I cried and cried, letting the sound break out of me and the tears run down my face. I didn’t even try to temper it. I had a tantrum. An emotional breakdown. An emotional cleansing. I called my daycare and arranged for a late pickup, still crying. I called my mom, and she giggled at me, as I was giggling too, amidst the crying. I called my cousin Tara, who grabbed her kids and came and picked me up, no problem. And still I cried. I cried. Finally, I sat safe in my home, wiping my eyes, and feeling the calm arrive again as I listened to the kids playing an the cartoons blaring an the smell of pizza in the air – as there was no way I was cooking that day – and I felt normal again. But lighter. So much lighter.
It has made me aware that I need help, the physical kind of help that comes with keeping the house clean so I don’t feel guilty about not having a clean house. Meal prepping so my kid and I eat more then fresh fruit and crackers and cheese – which, while delicious, not always great – she needs more meat and protein. These are the things that are required to live – but they are the things I have no interest in doing. I would rather spend my time pursuing dreams and happiness than folding laundry. I would rather walk in mud puddles than cook. I would rather write and read than meal plan.
And this is all so luxurious, so gluttonous, even saying this. Everyone has to do laundry and clean and cook, so just do it. But seriously, making plans and now investigating someone one to come in once a week to clean and do laundry. If it’s affordable, I will sacrifice my Starbucks and coffee funds for this. This is to make my life stronger, better, easier, and I have no shame in stating that is how I want my life to be.
So there is that, and I feel good about that. For now, keeping on top of that and doing my best. And keeping tabs on checking off the points to make my everyday life easier as well. Being open to schedule changes. Being okay with “good enough” as exceptional can come later. Writing more, as it gives me an emotional release I need. Continuing to read for fun, as well as academically. Taking my joy in my hands and allowing myself to enjoy it – there is no shame in loving my life, in smiling in it, even thought it may not be perfect.
So planning a short trip home. A weekend back to my roots. Haven’t been home since Christmas, and just need some time to myself with my child on my hip. Walking muddy reserve roads, avoiding puddles that have turned into lakes, and making plans for Spring cleanup. Maybe some duck soup, if the ducks start coming back soon. Defintely some fresh bannock. Laughter. Lazy mornings spent sleeping in. Relaxation. Home.
