My thesis advisor asked me how I was doing. She has been by my side throughout the last 3 years, when I started this PhD journey just after a summer of marriage breakup and a best friend passing away, becoming a single parent and all sudden deciding to take on higher education. Silly me. And she’s held my hand through this, and when she asked me this, I sighed deeply.
“I’m burned out.”
It’s hard for me to admit. I am the person who pursues my passions, tends to be good at them, achieves some sort of success, then keeps doing it. Amazing. This is good. But with too many “opportunities” being thrown my way, and me being an idiot and trying to pursue them all, I found myself constantly trying to shake that feeling of impending doom. That lack of interest in everyday life. It felt grey, and listless. I couldn’t remember the last time I smiled so much that my cheeks hurt. I couldn’t remember the last time I spit out my drink in laughter. There was more indoor days with a book in hand then outdoors with Aerie’s hand in mine, and that sucked.
Balance. I need to achieve balance.
So I made the mental decision to step back from a few things. To take these opportunities and let them breathe. I am working towards two life long goals right now, and that is enough. I am raising an inquisitive, powerful little being, and that is enough. I have a speed dial of family and friends who I can call for anything, and that is enough.
I know what I want: I want to be happy. I don’t need to be rich. I don’t need to be famous, legit, just ignore me and let me take pictures and we cool. I don’t need to be everyone’s friend, nor do I want to be. I don’t need a big house, just a cozy home. I don’t need noise and chaos, I need the country music on low and the on going chatter of my baby.
And it’s knowing all these things that made it easy to step back and reclaim mental space, and while I’m no where ready to be that social butterfly again, I feel better having made my choices and now starting to do something about it.
It’s the little thing – taking social media off my phone. Only checking in at end of day, not throughout. Reading an actual book that’s nothing to do with academics and only personal interest. Napping. That decadent afternoon nap is so important.
So it’s good, or it will be soon.
