Being a grad student is one of the emotionally draining things I have ever done. It’s mentally exhausting, and doing it as a parent is also adding a whole new level. I have a child. I have a three year old daughter who is my joy, my love. She came into my life and tossed my whole world around. She is the reason I work so hard to provide a better life of her and for us. She makes me a better, stronger person.
But adding an academic workload on top of the emotional workload of being parent, this is hard.
I feel an amazing amount of guilt.
I feel guilty when I have to sit on the couch and do five readings. I feel guilt when I have to work late. I feel guilty when I have to get a babysitter for her while I attend an after-hours academic function. I feel guilty of bringing her to work meetings when I have no sitter. I feel guilty when I have to wake her up early to attend daycare when I have to get even more readings done. Feel guilty when I “should” be playing with her and I’m writing an essay. I feel guilty, period.
And the thing is, I know she doesn’t mind. She has a strong enough voice that she knows when to tell “get off the computer now” and “put down the book, and come visit me.” She knows. She tells me her needs and I do my best to meet them. I know she understands that I have to work sometimes, and that I try my best to make sure she has enough visits with her cousins and friends while I do work. I make sure she cultivates those relationships while I am gone, embracing the idea that our community will raise our children. I make a strong community around me, for her.
I know the struggle and sacrifice I make now will only benefit us in the future.
But it’s hard.
It’s hard when you have to worry about finances. It’s hard when you have to worry about a 25 page essay as well as your child’s temperature and the fact that she won’t eat. It’s hard to balance the in-class discussions when you have to think about balancing rent, daycare and bills.
I’m frustrated today.
I’m feeling like I’m not enough.
I know I am doing my best, and I know that this shall pass, this feeling.
I remember and know that I am blessed enough to follow my dreams.
But damn, it’s a rough day.
